“dent de lion and blue skies and wishing”
In the back of my mind was an awareness that my energy was not only temporary, which I’m used to, but was induced by medication. It was an odd feeling.
I was temporarily able-bodied. An inner voice kept reminding me that the clock was ticking. I didn’t want to remember that I would have to go back to my life of being too tired to visit my family again any time soon. I tried not to think about where my energy was coming from. I’ve taken the medication before and always had this same experience.
For the most part, I managed to keep my thoughts positive and be grateful for the time with my mother and one of my sisters.
We had a very nice visit and ate home-cooked hamburgers at a lovely little country restaurant. I got to see my mother’s beautiful and prolific flower garden. I’d feared I wouldn’t get to see it at all this year. Many times I’ve heard her say, “I wish you could see the…,” and she’ll mention whatever is blooming.
I didn’t tell my sister that a little white pill was the fuel I was running on. I did however, end up telling my mother before I left, which I later regretted.
I didn’t have to tell her that fatigue was disabling me. I didn’t have to tell her that I had to take medication for my body and brain to work that day, but I did.
I had wanted to spare them the details of how hard it is to live with pain and severe fatigue every single day. Had I failed, I wondered on my way home.
I guess I also wanted to let somebody know the truth. For some reason, I needed somebody to know that me making the trip was hard. Plus, my mother is nearly psychic. If I don’t tell her, it isn’t like she doesn’t know, which she reminds me of from time to time.
“You look so good,” my sister had said shortly after I arrived. “Your eyes are clear. You really look good,” she added, with a pleased look about her.
Part of me wanted to tell her that I was running on medication and how underneath what she saw, was a completely exhausted human being, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I love my sister and it warmed my heart knowing she was enjoying the bit of time, when her little sister looked okay.
I wished in that moment that I could give this to my family more often. If my looking well made her happy, then I thought it best not to spoil the moment. I did what my seventh grade teacher once told me to do if someone gave me a compliment. I said thank you. Nothing more.
I’m just too dang tired to do things. Too tired to think or make decisions. Too tired to talk some of the time. Too tired to clean or cook. Too tired to go anywhere, like the grocery store.
I took the little white pill and had a good day.
I choose not to take the medication very often because anything that can make this body get up and go, while it feels like I’ve been hit and run over by an eighteen-wheeler, well… I guess it scares me.
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