I’m talking about Pain.

In the wee hours of the morning, around 3:30 am today, I woke up.

I was fatigued and had fallen asleep last night, forgetting to take my pain medication and my anxiety medication, both of which I need, the latter of which is for anxiety, but also manages a neurological disorder I have, an essential tremor.

I don’t remember the details of my waking in chronological order.  I remember having the thought that I should definitely update my will.  I remember being scared.  I was really scared.

The pain in my chest and lungs is what was the most scary I guess, but all of it was bad.  My entire body, once again, felt like it was on fire.  It’s more than fire though.  It’s more than a burning.  It’s so much more I don’t seem to have the words for it.

They call it fibromyalgia.  I wonder.  Sometimes I wonder what my doctor would do if I was his daughter.   He has three and often speaks of them.  He is a compassionate man and I like him.  So I’ve wondered this.

Would he take me to some fancy medical facility up north?  Could they help me?  I know he would pay for acupuncture treatments, which helps me tremendously, but I can’t afford them.  He once told me he would like to learn acupuncture himself.  I told him I needed him to keep on being my doctor instead of going off to acupuncture school.  He laughed.

But my good doctor was not here at 3:30 am when I woke up this morning nor was anyone else, except my dogs, my blessings from the universe.  They were here and their being here makes a big difference in my ability to remain sane in such a state as I found myself in this morning.

Not only was I in pain but the tremor was there.  My insides were shaking.  I was sweating a little.  The pain was so intense I had to lie there and get my breath enough to be able to get up and go take my medication.

I lied there for a few more minutes before getting up.  I guess I was in shock.  My lungs hurt when I breathed, which I could barely do.

I’ve been told that the pain I experience in my chest area and when I breathe is from fibromyalgia.  They tell me that the heart is a muscle, which I already know that, and talk about the connective tissue around the heart and lungs, but they have also told me it’s rare to have the kind of serious pain I have while breathing.

Without the medication I can’t breathe.  It hurts too bad.  This is scary and I don’t think the doctors are aware of how serious it is for me.  I guess I need to tell my doctor but what would I say?  He knows I live in pain.  He gives me medication.  Maybe I’m afraid he will say my pain is too much for him and would send me away.  Send me to some pain clinic where I’ll be a number and/or where they might not believe in fibromyalgia.

Yeah, I am scared.

The fibromyalgia doctor I saw twice said sometimes it does get into the lungs and that this is almost like a medical entity of it’s own.  Great I thought.

It’s scary because I think what if something happened?  I live alone and what if I forgot my medication and couldn’t get to it?  I have a phone and I would dial 911, but would they believe me if I told them I couldn’t breathe without my medication?

There is stigma around pain medication and medical professionals are not immune to it.

What would I say if I did dial 911?  I have fibromyalgia.  I can’t get to my medication.  I can’t breathe without it.

Would they think I’m a drug addict?  A hysterical woman?  A psychiatric case?  I wouldn’t be a “drug-seeker,” because I have the “drug.”

It took about thirty minutes for the medication to work.  I could breathe again.  I don’t remember now what all went through my mind during that time, other than thinking about updating my will, but I know a lot did.

It was a painful, scary and depressing experience, but it’s over…or is it?


Advertisements

4 responses to this post.

  1. I am so so sorry that you had that kind of night. I’ve read about the chest pain but I would be scared out of my mind and you’re right…….would they think you’re a nut? Hospitals then would do a myriad of tests to rule out heart trouble and then the bills would be astronomical! I go to a pain manager and every month I am able to get the medications for this pain and the muscle relaxers. That might work for you. Do you have insurance? I hope you’re feeling better! Take care sweetie!

    Like

    Reply

    • Hi Rose,
      You are exactly right, they would do all the tests. I do have insurance and I have a good family doctor who gives me my medications. The scary part is that he isn’t around in the middle of the night and he is not affiliated with the same hospital as I would go to. I guess I should not worry. They have my records. They know who my doc is, plus they are the ones who diagnosed me, finally, with fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. Sometimes though they forget their own prior decisions. I’m feeling better. Just seems like my pain has increased over the past six months. Maybe the good weather will help. I hope so. Thanks for the encouragement. You take care also!

      Like

      Reply

  2. I’m so sorry you had such a hideous night. I do understand that deep “burning” as I get it in my arms and hate it, though I’ve not had it affect heart and lungs and can understand that it would be terrifying.

    You did make it through. *If* it happens again, you’ll make it through again.

    One suggestion, is it possible to put your medication in a locket or pouch that you could wear to bed? As long as you’re clear-headed enough to know whether you’ve already taken it, maybe it would help ease mind and body to have it that close. I know that sometimes my migraines cause a paralysis and I can’t move to reach the nightstand, so I speak from some experience with being unable to get to what might help.

    I know this sounds silly, because you’re an intelligent person, but you might be falling into the same trap I fall into – especially in the night – thoughts and fears grow bigger and scarier, big time. I use audio books to help distract me because otherwise I’d be overwhelmed – and the endless loop of fear and anxiety for the future does nothing to help us.

    Please forgive me if I’m sounding like an oracle – I don’t mean to.

    Thinking of you – wishing you strength and a better night tonight.

    Like

    Reply

    • –hiddenlives–
      I just wrote you a reply and lost it. Arggh. Cyberspace.
      Thank you soo much for your comforting words, esp., the part about me being able to “make it through again,” if it happens again. What a wonderful thing to say. Said like a good parent who comforts a child. Not that you sound like a parent or that I feel like a child, but I think all the way through our lives we need someone who can say, it will all be alright. I don’t get that much. I am the one who gives it and must be strong.

      I wish you strength as well! Hope you have a nice weekend.
      Authentically, dogkisses.

      Like

      Reply

Feel Free to Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: