In the wee hours of the morning, around 3:30 am today, I woke up.
I was fatigued and had fallen asleep last night, forgetting to take my pain medication and my anxiety medication, both of which I need, the latter of which is for anxiety, but also manages a neurological disorder I have, an essential tremor.
I don’t remember the details of my waking in chronological order. I remember having the thought that I should definitely update my will. I remember being scared. I was really scared.
The pain in my chest and lungs is what was the most scary I guess, but all of it was bad. My entire body, once again, felt like it was on fire. It’s more than fire though. It’s more than a burning. It’s so much more I don’t seem to have the words for it.
They call it fibromyalgia. I wonder. Sometimes I wonder what my doctor would do if I was his daughter. He has three and often speaks of them. He is a compassionate man and I like him. So I’ve wondered this.
Would he take me to some fancy medical facility up north? Could they help me? I know he would pay for acupuncture treatments, which helps me tremendously, but I can’t afford them. He once told me he would like to learn acupuncture himself. I told him I needed him to keep on being my doctor instead of going off to acupuncture school. He laughed.
But my good doctor was not here at 3:30 am when I woke up this morning nor was anyone else, except my dogs, my blessings from the universe. They were here and their being here makes a big difference in my ability to remain sane in such a state as I found myself in this morning.
Not only was I in pain but the tremor was there. My insides were shaking. I was sweating a little. The pain was so intense I had to lie there and get my breath enough to be able to get up and go take my medication.
I lied there for a few more minutes before getting up. I guess I was in shock. My lungs hurt when I breathed, which I could barely do.
I’ve been told that the pain I experience in my chest area and when I breathe is from fibromyalgia. They tell me that the heart is a muscle, which I already know that, and talk about the connective tissue around the heart and lungs, but they have also told me it’s rare to have the kind of serious pain I have while breathing.
Without the medication I can’t breathe. It hurts too bad. This is scary and I don’t think the doctors are aware of how serious it is for me. I guess I need to tell my doctor but what would I say? He knows I live in pain. He gives me medication. Maybe I’m afraid he will say my pain is too much for him and would send me away. Send me to some pain clinic where I’ll be a number and/or where they might not believe in fibromyalgia.
Yeah, I am scared.
The fibromyalgia doctor I saw twice said sometimes it does get into the lungs and that this is almost like a medical entity of it’s own. Great I thought.
It’s scary because I think what if something happened? I live alone and what if I forgot my medication and couldn’t get to it? I have a phone and I would dial 911, but would they believe me if I told them I couldn’t breathe without my medication?
There is stigma around pain medication and medical professionals are not immune to it.
What would I say if I did dial 911? I have fibromyalgia. I can’t get to my medication. I can’t breathe without it.
Would they think I’m a drug addict? A hysterical woman? A psychiatric case? I wouldn’t be a “drug-seeker,” because I have the “drug.”
It took about thirty minutes for the medication to work. I could breathe again. I don’t remember now what all went through my mind during that time, other than thinking about updating my will, but I know a lot did.
It was a painful, scary and depressing experience, but it’s over…or is it?