Overwhelmed and Confused

directions in the south

A little help finding our way

Life is kicking me around.  My attempts to rest have been continuously and consistently interrupted.  I wish very much I could write about the experiences I’m having.  My difficulty lies not in what to say, but what not to say.

I feel like so many things have happened over the past decade that it’s all jumbled up in my mind now.  I used to be good at dates and remembering events.

I feel upset most of the time.  My guts are torn up.  My heart is heavy.

My responsibilities have become so completely overwhelming that my brain feels like a computer barely working and about to crash.

For the first time in my life, I don’t quite trust myself.  I don’t know how I’m going to respond to people.  I feel like a volcano and many little things are shaking me up.  I feel emotionally raw.  I feel a bit defeated.

I recently got angry at a woman in an elevator for pushing the button to go down after I’d waited on three that were going up.  I was immediately ashamed of how I reacted.  I apologized.  She responded by saying, “I was going to help you Mam.”

How did she know I needed help I wondered.  I didn’t feel that I deserved her kindness.   The elevator doors opened and even though it wasn’t her floor,  she stepped out to help me find my way.  Two nurses were walking by and when they saw me they stopped.

“Do you need some help?” they asked me.

I wondered why they were all being so nice.  I had dressed decently and fixed my hair normally.  My eyes had been terribly red from sleep loss and pretty consistent crying spells, but I had used eye drops so what was it that they saw?  I hoped they couldn’t see how desperate I felt inside because I was afraid someone would try to put me in a hospital.

I got lost on my way there.  I called the clinic and the receptionist treated me much like these women in the hallway had.

She gave me good directions and didn’t want to let me off the phone.

“It’s okay,” she said once more before ending the call.  “We’ve told the doctor you got lost, so don’t worry.”

Getting lost on my way and then in the hospital too had more than frustrated me.  I felt scared that perhaps I’ve had a stroke and don’t know it.

I realized that I hadn’t eaten and it was about 2pm.  I told the woman who registered me that I was going to be sick, which was the truth.  I was looking for a trash can just in case.  She gave me a grape juice and a graham cracker.

Checking into the clinic the desk clerk asked me if I remembered where I parked.  “Yes,” I answered.  “C.”  They all looked worried.  I realized then that each level on the parking deck has a C and I had no clue what level I had parked on.

I felt as disoriented as I had the time my son and I drove to South Dakota from North Carolina.  Illinois and Iowa made me feel strange inside my head because I had lost all sense of direction.  I realized I don’t like being in the middle of our country.  I like it on the edges.  At least I know where the ocean is.

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20 responses to this post.

  1. Hi Michelle, just wishing you a Sunday that I hope is relaxing, pain-free, and you get time to just spend doing what you most like doing the most.. they are my kind of Sundays… you are always in my thoughts… and have a Good DAY or Three, or Four, or More.. for that is what you are wished… Hugs.. Dreamwalker xxx

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    • Hi Dreamwalker!

      Actually, after about ten minutes out of bed this morning, with medication –but no extra, I am pain free and not groggy! I love the times when this is the case. I have a knee problem, but compared to fibro pain, lol, it isn’t very much pain. I’ll have to do physical therapy for it, but that is okay, you know. I have a great PT, if he is still there, so hoping he will help with that.

      Still, after a long night of severe sweats, I don’t know how or why I get this pain free time right now, but I am grateful. I rode my bike three times lately. On flat roads of course and not very far, but I don’t care. I love my little magic bike. It has streamers and the coolest bell around! I bet I’m the only woman my age with streamers and a bell :).

      I’ve been working on blog posts, but can’t get any finished. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to write what I want to write.

      Thank you for all your healing wishes and prayers my way. I am most grateful. I hope you are doing well! Hugs for you too! Michelle.

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  2. I am sorry that you are feeling so poorly? I know how disconcerting it can be when you don’t know what you are doing, where you are going or why.
    Don’t be hard on yourself, remember that your body is taking alot of resources up by existing and fighting illness.
    I like to chalk my forgetfulness to being Blonde, now over 40 and a mother of two – the sickness just gives me more leeway!!!
    HOpe you are feeling better!

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    • Hi Kathleen,

      Thank you for your understanding comment. I think my body keeps begging me for more rest and I try to give it, but life keeps taking me away. I desperately need a break from my responsibilities for a while, but I haven’t yet figured out how to get that.

      I cut my finger last night, which is another thing that will make me stop doing some things for a while. No dishwashing. ha! Sigh… Not as much typing either and I keep wanting to write. Divine humor perhaps?

      I used to be blonde and the men who take my photo for my license refuse to call my hair brown and put on there that I’m blonde, so I can use that as an excuse too. (They also say I have blue eyes. Sometimes I wonder why people even believe it is me. My eyes are not very blue).

      Peace and a good day to you.

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  3. Michelle, much of what you are describing sounds like very typical CFS brain fog. Confusion, disorientation, memory loss, emotional instability… all of those are on the list, along with difficulty comprehending (the color coded signs, for instance), and a number of other things.
    For many, the worst brain fog comes when you are either overtired (meaning not enough sleep, or over doing it in the hours or days before), or underfed or dehydrated. You mention not having eaten – it could even have been hypoglycemia (low blood sugar).
    When we go to the grocery store & run errands, I usually start to “crash” about the time we’re finishing up. Rhiannon often has to take me by the arm and guide me to checkout, as I decend into a deep haze where sometimes I don’t understand what I read, absolutely cannot make decisions (say, which type of cereal to get), cannot focus on the task at hand (at that point, it’s getting out as quick as we can), etc. There have been times where I’ve stood, frozen in place, wallet in hand, but unable to understand that the cashier is waiting for me to pay for the purchase – Rhia has even had to take the wallet out of my hands and do the payment herself.
    It can be very scary.
    I read an article recently about a study that showed that in patients like us, they were able to show that various parts of the brain were actually falling asleep momentarily,. but the patient wasn’t asleep – just very confused as they almost literally weren’t “running on all cylinders.”
    I would suggest several things: 1. don’t schedule too much for one day. 2. Take along Lara bars or Luna bars as snacks along the way. Try to eat a small meal or snack 6 times a day, rather than several large meals. This helps stabilize bloodsugar levels. 3. Minimize what you do in each trip out. 4. Make sure you have a recovery day or two between trips out for anything. 5. DON’T push yourself – that’s the worst thing you can do as it drains your body’s very minimal reserves, leading to more & more days like that. 6. Ask about the best place to park & directions into the office when you make the appointment, and write it all down. 7.Try to schedule in rest breaks of at least 15 minutes between actions. If you drive 2 hours to a doctor’s appointment, get there 15 minutes early, lean your seat back, and just do a quick relaxation & meditation to help recover from the drive before you have to move into the office.
    That should give you a good start.
    Also, remember that emotional energy counts just as much as physical energy when you’re trying to determine if you are staying within your “energy envelope.” There’s a website about that I’ll try to pass on when I’m on the computer & not my cell.
    Many hugs & positive energy headed your way!

    Ash

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    • Hi Ash,

      About eating six times a day, I am definitely challenged. Eating to me seems like a big chore. I wish we didn’t have to do it every day, lol, but more like once or twice a week. I had sandwiches prepared today, so that was a good thing. Got some protein and veggies too, along with a little dark chocolate.

      I’m still very sleepy, but I keep hoping something will come to me you know. I need some answers about what direction to go in my life. I’m kind of stuck, even when it comes to blogging. I don’t know why. I have so much I could say!

      Thanks for sharing your understanding and knowledge. I appreciate that and your friendship too.

      I still need that good doctors list. I can’t remember where it is. And yes, I’m taking breaks and resting, but that sure is boring isn’t it? I need to finish a great book I started oh, about six months ago or something. I don’t know how long but long enough that I could have read fifty since then. I just can’t concentrate. I feel like I need to make some big decisions and just wish the answers would come to me.

      Thanks for the positive energy! Hugs to you too,
      Michelle.

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  4. Hi Michelle, Just dropping in to wish you a Great Morning.. And I hope you started your day with some Qigong! Sending you a Deep Breath!!!… and some love and light to start your Day.. Happy Tuesday! Dreamwalker xx

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    • Hi Dreamwalker!

      No I didn’t start yesterday with Qigong. I was sick with a virus but am feeling better now. I hope to sleep well tonight.

      I have been calling around about places to live. I spoke with a woman about a house so if the other person doesn’t call her I may go see it tomorrow. I live in a duplex now and live with many bugs and spiders. I do have lots of privacy though! She said she lives next door, so we’ll see.

      I was just over at YouTube watching the videos and remembered about the email you sent. I composed some in a draft, but my brain wouldn’t let me keep on writing. I wanted to tell you again, thank you for the healing energy coming my way. I have been inviting all the beings out there available to help me. Begging in fact!

      Love and Blessings,
      Michelle. xoxoxo

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      • Hi Michelle… just dropping in to say hi to you and to ask how you’re doing???… And Im still sending you a BIG Hug to Heal a Tired Brain…. Breathe…………… Breathe…… xxx Dreamwalker xxx

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  5. I’m so sorry to read about your lousy day! That sucks. It just plain sucks…is there any other word that would better describe your experience?

    It’s hard needing people’s help and it’s a little rough on the ‘ego’ when they KNOW you need their help. Being vulnerable takes guts and fortitude.

    I hope you’re doing better now. By the way, what is Qigong?? Maybe it’s google time for me. ha!

    Love
    CZ

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    • Hi CZ!

      No. I can’t think of any better word. You hit it on the nail. It feels like a long time though, much more than a day, that things have consistently sucked.

      You’re right too about needing some guts and fortitude to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. On this particular day, I’m glad the people I needed were kind in return. That makes the experience a heck of a lot easier!

      I get lost every time I go to this particular town/hospital. Everything looks the same. White cement everywhere outside and hallways with pictures of people I don’t know on the inside. They don’t have any signs naming clinics, but instead have a color coded system. That never works for me. Ever! I need words and arrows.

      Google gave me this for you –“Qigong is an ancient Chinese health care system that integrates physical postures, breathing techniques and focused intention. The word Qigong (Chi Kung) is made up of two Chinese words. Qi is pronounced chee and is usually translated to mean the life force or vital-energy that flows through all things in the universe. The second word, Gong, pronounced gung, means accomplishment, or skill that is cultivated through steady practice. Together, Qigong (Chi Kung) means cultivating energy, it is a system practiced for health maintenance, healing and increasing vitality.” National Qigong Association.

      I’ve taken a class once and have always loved reading books about Qigong. Some of the exercises are designed for a person who is completely bedridden. Qigong exercises and movements are like acupuncture in the way you can feel your Qi (chee) moving afterwards. I know a teacher and I’ve been thinking about him lately, so it is good timing that Dreamwalker reminded me of this healing practice. I really would love to practice it again.

      Thanks for visiting CZ. It’s always a comfort to hear from you.
      Love,
      Michelle.

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  6. Sorry you are feeling so confused and lost, in the hospital and in your life. But, just like those women at the hospital who sensed what you needed, and provided you with the kind of help you needed, your friends in the cyberverse can be of assistance.
    Folks are sending you good, healing vibes, and you are open to receive them. I hope those vibes help you feel more grounded, centered, and strong.
    Your cyberfriends will always send you good vibes and will no doubt sense when you need them, if you haven’t articulated the need.

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  7. oh dear, sorry you are feeling so down. and i haven’t been on the computer in days. i hope you are feeling a tiny bit better now. sometimes all we can do is hold on, until the next day, which will be better if only by default. hang on Michelle/Rosa, friend.

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  8. Posted by mo on May 6, 2011 at 5:50 PM

    All of this sounds very frightening. Your body and your eyes must have been sending out some type of energy that alerted the elevator lady and the nurses and the rest and they just felt there was somethin wrong. Thank God for people like that. They are often our saviors of the day. I wish you had someone to go with you on these doctor/hopital visits.

    Thinking of you and praying right now for you.

    mo

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    • Thanks Mo and Laurie. You guys are great.

      Maybe Dreamwalker’s healing energy is happening through your comments. Kind words, love and prayers sure go a long way.

      I wasn’t sure how this post would come across. I needed to write and I’m glad I did.

      I’m pretty burned out. I was indeed grateful (again) for the random kindness at the hospital. I do need help and am not sure what to do about that right now. It feels like I’m thinking of making decisions that I thought I wouldn’t have to think about for at least twenty more years. I wish that I would just get to feeling better.

      Thanks for your friendships!
      Affectionately,
      Michelle.

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  9. My Dear Dear Friend Michelle.. I am so sorry that you feel So Ill..
    I need to write you.. and send you some TLC… I am sending you some healing.. and Please believe me you will receive it.. Open your mind to it.. and allow it to enter For it will come and sooth your temple and your mind… and your aching spirit. Much Love Michelle.. Dreamwalker

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    • ((((( (:)—- ))))) That is me in the middle, albeit sideways, with arms wide open to receive.

      Thank you my friend!
      Love,
      Michelle.

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      • I wrote you an email Michelle, hope it doesnt get sent to your Junk mail, as I put a few links in there.. Sending and your added to my healing List..
        Love to you..
        Dreamwalker 😉

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        • Thank you Dreamwalker! I’ve had a full day of enjoying the weather. I will respond to you thru mail very soon.

          I enjoyed the morning listening to videos about Qigong. (always forget how to spell that) –very inspiring, moving, and thought provoking. I look forward to sharing with you.

          Thinking about healing… Going to eat something healthy now :).
          (((hugs)))

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