A little help finding our way…
Life is kicking me around. My attempts to rest have been continuously and consistently interrupted. I wish very much I could write about the experiences I’m having. My difficulty lies not in what to say, but what not to say.
I feel like so many things have happened over the past decade that it’s all jumbled up in my mind now. I used to be good at dates and remembering events.
I feel upset most of the time. My guts are torn up. My heart is heavy.
My responsibilities have become so completely overwhelming that my brain feels like a computer barely working and about to crash.
For the first time in my life, I don’t quite trust myself. I don’t know how I’m going to respond to people. I feel like a volcano and many little things are shaking me up. I feel emotionally raw. I feel a bit defeated.
I recently got angry at a woman in an elevator for pushing the button to go down after I’d waited on three that were going up. I was immediately ashamed of how I reacted. I apologized. She responded by saying, “I was going to help you Mam.”
How did she know I needed help I wondered. I didn’t feel that I deserved her kindness. The elevator doors opened and even though it wasn’t her floor, she stepped out to help me find my way. Two nurses were walking by and when they saw me they stopped.
“Do you need some help?” they asked me.
I wondered why they were all being so nice. I had dressed decently and fixed my hair normally. My eyes had been terribly red from sleep loss and pretty consistent crying spells, but I had used eye drops so what was it that they saw? I hoped they couldn’t see how desperate I felt inside because I was afraid someone would try to put me in a hospital.
I got lost on my way there. I called the clinic and the receptionist treated me much like these women in the hallway had.
She gave me good directions and didn’t want to let me off the phone.
“It’s okay,” she said once more before ending the call. “We’ve told the doctor you got lost, so don’t worry.”
Getting lost on my way and then in the hospital too had more than frustrated me. I felt scared that perhaps I’ve had a stroke and don’t know it.
I realized that I hadn’t eaten and it was about 2pm. I told the woman who registered me that I was going to be sick, which was the truth. I was looking for a trash can just in case. She gave me a grape juice and a graham cracker.
Checking into the clinic the desk clerk asked me if I remembered where I parked. “Yes,” I answered. “C.” They all looked worried. I realized then that each level on the parking deck has a C and I had no clue what level I had parked on.
I felt as disoriented as I had the time my son and I drove to South Dakota from North Carolina. Illinois and Iowa made me feel strange inside my head because I had lost all sense of direction. I realized I don’t like being in the middle of our country. I like it on the edges. At least I know where the ocean is.