Posts Tagged ‘love’

In all the fog, I write…

Thunder beings and Brain Fog

The Thunder Beings have roared and a hard rain is falling.  I sure am glad to be home.  I like being home with my dogs during a storm.  I also like knowing that as I write, my family are in safe places.   Shortly, I’ll be snuggling up with my furry family to watch a movie.  I can’t tell you which movie because I forgot the name of it, which brings me to the heart of this blog post.

I basically wanted to say hello to my blogging friends and readers.

I miss my blog.  I especially miss being able to think clearly enough to express myself through writing.

Normally, I can sit down and write ten pages about something and even though it might need editing, I’m able to communicate what is on my mind.  Lately, this is not the case.  I have a lot on my mind, much of which I’d like to write about in this blog, but I am simply too tired.   I’m also in a lot of pain.

I began this post last night and wanted to publish it while the Thunder Beings were here.  I finished it, which amazed me, but I couldn’t keep enough mental energy to tag it or put it in a category.

The Thunder Beings came back tonight just as I sat down in another attempt to write something that makes sense.  Another hard rain fell.

I don’t know who came up with the term, “brain fog,” but the condition is well understood by those of us who have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and/or fibromyalgia.

Brain fog attempts to describe a medical mental fatigue that robs us of our normal cognitive skills and abilities.  For the past six months I’ve battled this fog consistently.  Normally, the condition isn’t this persistent and instead comes and goes, giving me times when I can still think.

Writing is hard when this is happening and I usually don’t even try.  I forget my words and have to use the dictionary constantly.  I can’t spell words I’ve spelled since elementary school.  My sentences are choppy and things aren’t flowing.

Brain fog can make a person nearly incapable of verbal responses.  It can have an effect on a person’s speech.  Words might get disordered in a sentence or we use a word that sounds like the one we are intending to say.

I know the words I’m looking for when I lose them.  I can describe the meaning, sometimes the sound or the first letter.  Written words I’ve known since I was a child look unfamiliar.

Mostly I’m tired and sleepy, but I can’t stay asleep long enough for my body to restore itself.  I’m half awake and half asleep.  It isn’t a good place to act from.

My body is as tired as my brain is.  Moving around is hard.  Bending over takes tremendous energy.  I can’t keep up with my chores and that stresses me out.

I’ve missed deadlines.  Many of my obligations in life are compromised.  I don’t get to go visit my family.  I’m also getting a bit confused and my short-term memory is shot.

The fatigue alone is completely overwhelming.  Add to that widespread ongoing pain in the nerves, muscles and deep in the bones and it is one mighty difficult condition!

Life goes on though.  It doesn’t stop for me to be sick or it seems, for me to get proper rest, but then maybe I don’t know how to rest.  Maybe I forgot.

Much of the time, I feel stressed.

I have an adult son, whom I love with all my heart.  He has challenges that I haven’t learned how to accept in a way that doesn’t cause me grief and anxiety.  I believe that accepting things the way they are is the best place to start when you want to change something, but honestly, I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job at this with mine or my son’s circumstances.

Being unwell causes me to feel like I’m failing my son, the other members in my family, including my dogs and a community.  I can’t say that I have the latter, but if I did belong to a community, where would I fit in I wonder.

When I have brain fog, I don’t feel like I have anything to offer.  I do love my family and friends, so I guess love is the one thing I still have to give, no matter what.

I worry about what is happening in this country.  The cuts in our system are scary to me on a personal level.

Being a disabled American makes me feel like a misfit.  The taxpayer’s enemy.  I represent to some Americans the reason our country is in such bad shape.  Somebody, “living for free.”  A flaw in an otherwise well-functioning system.

The doctor wonders what is depressing me!

Chronic illness impacts my view of myself and the world.  It’s a view that’s been filtered through pain, mental fog and bewildering fatigue, along with a very long decade of chronic stress.

I have the dogs to keep things real.  Plus, of course, I love them and think they’re the greatest little creatures to have ever lived on the planet!

One of my dogs had to go out a little while ago.  I was lying on the sofa.  He came over and sat there beside me, patiently waiting.

I felt like a million pounds of sand was lying on top of my body and it hurt.  After about eight minutes, which seemed like forever, I got up.

Putting his collar on him, I just happened to look at the sofa where I had tried to rest.  I saw the pain.  I saw the fatigue.

I didn’t want to ever lie on that sofa again.  I hurt when I lie down.  For a moment, the difference between the way I felt standing and the way I had felt lying down was somewhat mentally shocking.

I feel some better when I get up, but it isn’t long before I’m completely exhausted and must lie down again.

My dogs continue to be good for my health.  They keep me from never getting off that sofa.  They need me and I need them.

They took me outside after the rain stopped tonight.  I needed a short little walk and some fresh air.  They always know this.

Thanks for visiting Dogkisses’s blog.

Image via drburtoni’s photostream, Flickr.

A friend with paws

A lovely poem by a young girl who loves a dog

 Ruthie Mae

She’s as beautiful as a bay

She loves to play

She loves it when I tell her to sit and stay

She gets mad when I don’t say hey

She loves to drink lattes

She was born in May

She loves to run and walk on a beautiful day.

Golden fur like Autumn leaves

When we run together we feel the breeze

I’ll chase the dragonflies

She’ll chase the bees

She gives me her paw

when I’m on my knees

She gives me her paw

Then I know

She’ll be there with me through it all.

Ruthie Mae,

Ruthie Mae.

A lovely poem written by and offered as a gift from my sweet and dear friend about her relationship with and her love for my dog, sweet Ruthie. 

“She gives me her paw when I’m on my knees.  She gives me her paw, then I know she’ll be there with me through it all.”  –by a girl who loves a dog!

Image via Wikimedia Commons (File: Joshua Reynolds – A Young Girl and Her Dog.jpg)

Thanks for visiting Dogkisses’s blog!

My little drop of heaven

She sees everything, hears everything, and feels everything.  I can’t hide anything from her.  She feels what I feel.  I often wish she didn’t.  I don’t always want her to feel what I feel, but I can’t hide from her.

Her sensitive nature is part of what makes her so incredibly adorable and lovable.  Its part of what brings joy to children and any person whose heart has a place where tenderness can be felt.

She doesn’t ignore the moment.  She pays close attention.   She’s intensely affected by her environment.

I wouldn’t change a thing about her.  I love her just the way she is and I love the way she is.

I’ve tried to change in me the same traits I love so much about her.  Maybe, if I pay attention, she will teach me that being sensitive and showing feelings is an okay way to be.  In her, it’s a beautiful way to be.  She’s honest and refreshingly expressive.  Maybe, if I listen, she will teach me to embrace what is so.

Today she came to me when I called for her.  I’ve known her and loved her almost five years and she finally walked straight to me without turning around half way to rethink things.

She walked towards me with more confidence and without fear.  I saw a trust in her eyes that felt new.  I can’t believe she is still learning to trust, but she is.

Her trust is a gift.  I felt it when she gave it.

She doesn’t owe trust to any person.  I don’t know what happened to my girl in her seven months of living before I met her.  I don’t want to know.

I understand her cautiousness, even though I don’t know the details of her early life.  I understand her and she understands me.  Neither of us knows what happened to each other before we met.  We just know things happened.

She and I are a lot alike.

She took me outside twice today.   She took me where the early morning sun warmed my face.  A cool crisp air reminded me of the changing season.

She has a lot to teach me, if I listen.

She’s my little drop of heaven who walks on four legs.

she takes me into the morning light

Gratitude is Healing

Dogs Know Best

Bye Bye and Hello!

“I like reading blogs about fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” I told my good friend.

He laughed.  He thought I was joking. 

Realizing I was serious, my friend and I started a conversation, which was as healthy as the awesome brunch he had prepared for us. 

My friend is a wonderful cook.  He likes to show off his talents in the kitchen.  I’m always happy when I’m on the receiving end of his pancakes made from scratch or the egg dish he makes when I’m feeling particularly down.

Having a real friend is one blessing in my life that helped me rise above the darkness I found myself in after falling prey to a narcissist’s deviant intentions, lies and games.

My friend has never read a blog, but he sure bought me this little computer I’m writing in mine with.

There weren’t any hidden agendas in the gift.  No power-tripping.  Nothing other than wanting to do something for a friend out of love.  Unconditional love is a wonderful gift.

The relationship I had, with a man who by all means behaved like a text-book narcissist, was toxic to my mind, body and spirit.  He had also given me gifts.  Alas.  Each one came with a price.  I would later learn that everything the man had done or offered, in the name of love and kindness, was all a part of his dark and destructive intentions.

Ending a relationship with a man who suddenly changed, and so drastically that he became unrecognizable, was a shocking and painful experience.  I did end it though, and from that day forward, I am healing.

I’m making new memories.   My spirit is renewed in new acquaintances, but even more by remembering the good friends I have.   Authentic interactions with people is healing my heart and helping me to sort through the confusion that was left.

I can feel a return to myself.

I started writing again.  I’m enjoying simple things like sitting by a fire.  My mental and emotional health is better, but it took a pretty long time for the pain to settle down.  Healing after abuse takes time.

Practicing gratitude has helped me heal.  Every little thing helps when you’re assembling pieces of your self.  Being grateful is said to be a state of mind, and I believe it.

A healthy life after a toxic relationship is possible. 

Aside from practicing gratitude, saying No was crucial for me to get out and stay out.  I had to say NO many times, at first to the man with harmful intentions and finally, to myself each time I doubted the truth.

Say no to a narcissist!

“No” icon via IconDoIt

Thank you for visiting Dogkisses’s blog! 

A Man without a Heart

“Life is all about the Narcissist, and while they learn to “feign” or act emotions, they are essentially cut-off from their own authentic feelings, –They seek to dominate and control others as a primary way of navigating life.” 

Source: Narcissism as Prophecy, by Richard Boyd, Body Mind Psychotherapist, Energetics Institute, Perth, West Australia.

“I don’t have feelings for anyone, not you or anyone else,” he said immediately after I told him I was sad and having a hard time with my feelings.  “I’m thinking about ending my life,” he added.  “I have a 45 and I know how to use it.”

The man was lying about ending his life.  The reasons for his statement was to play more mind games with me.

“Can you imagine for one minute that maybe it’s the truth that I don’t have any feelings for anyone?”  he pleaded

I can now.

By all definitions, he fits the description of a person with severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Eventually, he went as far as to claim having been diagnosed, but I knew that was a lie too.

Our relationship had been serious, at least to me it was.  He certainly took pride in his ability to convince me that the love he felt for me was the kind that last forever.  He proclaimed over and over that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  He literally begged me every day for the best of six months to believe he was truly in love with me. 

I hadn’t believed him.  I continued suggesting that he was rather in a delayed mid-life crisis and was merely infatuated with me.  This only fueled his wish to convince me otherwise, plus I was wrong.  His intentions towards me and our relationship didn’t come close to the innocence of a temporary infatuation and there wasn’t any mid-life crisis going on.

I had trusted him as my insurance agent for over twenty years before he spotted me at a low ebb in my life, and took full advantage of that in every way possible.  I believe it was my longstanding trust in him that in large part, caused me to question my doubts and slowly abandon my screaming intuitive urge to get very far away from him.

Upon reflection, I can see how unfortunately perfect I was for him.